culture

Marriage, Family, and Kinship

Marriage.There are three types of marriage in Nigeria today: religious marriage, civil marriage, and traditional marriage. A Nigerian couple may decide to take part in one or all of these marriages. Religious marriages, usually Christian or Muslim, are conducted according to the norms of the respective religious teachings and take place in a church or a mosque. Christian males are allowed only one wife, while Muslim men can take up to four wives. Civil official weddings take place in a government registry office. Men are allowed only one wife under a civil wedding, regardless of religion. Traditional marriages usually are held at the wife's house and are performed according to the customs of the ethnic group involved. Most ethnic groups traditionally allow more than one wife.

Depending on whom you ask, polygamy has both advantages and disadvantages in Nigerian society. Some Nigerians see polygamy as a divisive force in the family, often pitting one wife against another. Others see polygamy as a unifying factor, creating a built-in support system that allows wives to work as a team.

While Western ways of courtship and marriage are not unheard of, the power of traditional values and the strong influence of the family mean that traditional ways are usually followed, even in the cities and among the elite. According to old customs, women did not have much choice of whom they married, though the numbers of arranged marriages are declining. It is also not uncommon for women to marry in their teens, often to a much older man. In instances where there are already one or more wives, it is the first wife's responsibility to look after the newest wife and help her integrate into the family.

Many Nigerian ethnic groups follow the practice of offering a bride price for an intended wife. Unlike a dowry, in which the woman would bring something of material value to the marriage, a bride price is some form of compensation the husband must pay before he can marry a wife. A bride price can take the form of money, cattle, wine, or other valuable goods paid to the woman's family, but it also can take a more subtle form. Men might contribute money to the education of an intended wife or help to establish her in a small-scale business or agricultural endeavor. This form of bride price is often incorporated as part of the wooing process. While women who leave their husbands will be welcomed back into their families, they often need a justification for breaking the marriage. If the husband is seen as having treated his wife well, he can expect to have the bride price repaid.

Though customs vary from group to group, traditional weddings are often full of dancing and lively music. There is also lots of excitement and cultural displays. For example, the Yoruba have a practice in which the bride and two or three other women come out covered from head to toe in a white shroud. It is the groom's job to identify his wife from among the shrouded women to show how well he knows his wife.

Divorce is quite common in Nigeria. Marriage is more of a social contract made to ensure the continuation of family lines rather than a union based on love and emotional connections. It is not uncommon for a husband and wife to live in separate homes and to be extremely independent of one another. In most ethnic groups, either the man or the woman can end the marriage. If the woman leaves her husband, she will often be taken as a second or third wife of another man. If this is the case, the new husband is responsible for repaying the bride price to the former husband. Children of a divorced woman are normally accepted into the new family as well, without any problems.

Domestic Unit.The majority of Nigerian families are very large by Western standards. Many Nigerian men take more than one wife. In some ethnic groups, the greater the number of children, the greater a man's standing in the eyes of his peers. Family units of ten or more are not uncommon.

In a polygamous family, each wife is responsible for feeding and caring for her own children, though the wives often help each other when needed. The wives also will take turns feeding their husband so that the cost of his food is spread equally between or among the wives. Husbands are the authority figures in the household, and many are not used to their ideas or wishes being challenged.

In most Nigerian cultures, the father has his crops to tend to, while his wives will have their own jobs, whether they be tending the family garden, processing palm oil, or selling vegetables in the local market. Children may attend school. When they return home, the older boys will help their father with his work, while the girls and younger boys will go to their mothers.

Inheritance.For many Nigerian ethnic groups, such as the Hausa and the Igbo, inheritance is basically a male affair. Though women have a legal right to inheritance in Nigeria, they often receive nothing. This is a reflection of the forced economic independence many women live under. While their husbands are alive, wives are often responsible for providing for themselves and their children. Little changes economically after the death of the husband. Property and wealth are usually passed on to sons, if they are old enough, or to other male relatives, such as brothers or uncles.

For the Fulani, if a man dies, his brother inherits his property and his wife. The wife usually returns to live with her family, but she may move in with her husband's brother and become his wife.

Kin Groups.While men dominate Igbo society, women play an important role in kinship. All Igbos, men and women, have close ties to their mother's clan, which usually lives in a different village. When an Igbo dies, the body is usually sent back to his mother's village to be buried with his mother's kin. If an Igbo is disgraced or cast out of his community, his mother's kin will often take him in.

For the Hausa, however, there is not much of a sense of wide-ranging kinship. Hausa society is based on the nuclear family. There is a sense of a larger extended family, including married siblings and their families, but there is little kinship beyond that. However, the idea of blood being thicker than water is very strong in Hausa society. For this reason, many Hausas will try to stretch familial relationships to the broader idea of clan or tribe to diffuse tensions between or among neighbors.

Yoruba are people of South West Nigeria and Benin, numbering about 20 million. Today many of the large cities in Nigeria (including Lagos, Ibadan, and Abeokuta) are in Yoruba land. In this note I will share with you some Yoruba Proverbs you would like to ponder over.

These proverbs are  only a few among the tons of Yoruba proverbs out there, but surely these few proverbs have enlightened me and taught me how to behave and I know it will also touch you. If you have any questions, use Studbook Ask and get the answers that matters to you.

Avoid Exaggeration:



Don't exaggerate. "What sort of hole does the rat live in that makes him say that household work preoccupied it" (Yoruba proverb)

Live your life no matter the Conditions you find Yourself:
Live your life according to the conditions you find yourself in, for they say, "Where life catches up with one, there one lives it" (Yoruba proverb)

Always Do Things According to Your Capacity:
One should not attempt a task that is beyond one's capability, as elders will say "The brown ant cannot lift a boulder" (Yoruba proverb).

Staying Out of Troubles:
One does not get into trouble for minding one's own business because "'I was in my home' is never the guilty party in a dispute" (Yoruba proverb).


Watch Your Actions to avoid Destroying Your Reputations:
Reputations are easy to destroy but most difficult to repair, as they say, "The disgrace one incurs in one day does not disappear that soon" (Yoruba proverb).


Always be on Guard No Matter What:
"It is the master's engaging in silly antics that affords the pawn the opportunity to laugh so hard that he tosses his cutlass away" (Yoruba proverb).

Among all these proverbs, there is none that you should deem insignificant or unimportant. Words like this always have the potential to make the greatest impact in your life, especially those you think are insignificant.

Please leave your comments below!

What is the most important thing in life? If you have already figured out this question, have found out how to manage or  set priorities for the things that matters in your life? Chances are, you have not. Even if you have, this note will give more insight into how to set your priorities to manage those important things your life.

 If you are new to all these, first you will learn how to figure out the most important in your life and set priorities right to attain them. Whatever might be the case, I believe you will enjoy your read. So,  in this note, I will share with you on the most important thing life and how to set your scale of preference for the things that matters to you.


A Jar Filled With Stones:
A teacher named Flemings,  stood before his class with some items on the table in front of him. When the class began, silently  he picked up a very large and empty white jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, about 2 inches in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

 A Jar Filled With Pebbles:
He then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then questioned his students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

 A Jar Filled With Sand
The teacher picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else in the white jar. Mr. Flemings then asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a giggle. “Yes.”

What These Things Symbolizes
“Now,” said the teacher, “I want you to recognize that this jar symbolizes your life.

 The rocks are the important things – your family, your career, your education, your dream, your wife, your partner, your health, your children – things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebble symbolizes other things that matter to you – like your job, your house, your car.

The sand represents everything else in your life. The small stuff.”


The Teacher Explained the Parable

“If you put the sand into the jar first, there will be  no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life.”

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal.  Take care of the rocks first – the things that really matter. Set your priorities; the rest is just sand.”